I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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