Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
