Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
