just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
