I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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