Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
