My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
