i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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