the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
