i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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