I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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