He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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