How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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