omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
