he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
