it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize