Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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