I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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