it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
