Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
