My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
should my penis look like a turkey
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Damn victory sex feels great
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
