she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
