The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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