I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
