Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
