everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
