Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
