Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
