By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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