i'm signing you up for texting rehab
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
