Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
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