Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
