I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
