Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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