I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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