i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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