he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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