I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
