I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
