it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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