so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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