I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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