Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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