shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
