Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
