I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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