how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
