I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
