you mean i was at the winter classic?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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