I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
