you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
