I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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