He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
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