Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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