Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize