maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
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