come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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