Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
