she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
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