Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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